Hey guys, apart from all the activities going on towards the making of this EP, there is a lot going through my mind as well. All day. Every day. Keeping me occupied.
At this moment I’m trying to do nothing. I’m forcing myself to do nothing. And I’m becoming pretty good at it I must say:) But it has not always been this way…
Looking back at my study career till now, I really sucked at doing nothing. I always wanted to spent my time useful. I was afraid of becoming a lazy person that was moving way too slow compared to everyone that was so extremely busy evolving, in my opinion. I thought that having a gig at least two times a week, rehearsing with bands for those gigs, going to bars till at least 4 in the morning for “networking” and to just be really cool doing all this, is what I had to do the evolve. And so I changed my very boring life, which only involved recording songs and making beats on my computer in my room when I wouldn’t have classes. So, I chose to try the lifestyle I thought would help me become a successful musician, a combination of an intense creative productivity and an active social life…
I believe that what somebody focuses on is very defining for the road he or she will be walking. But another very important thing, which I would often forget about, is health. You can put your focus anywhere you want, but if you don’t take care of yourself properly, you are not going anywhere. And that is when the shitty part of being a perfectionist becomes clear.
When I have a vision in my mind of how something should be, and it’s not yet as in the vision, I will go on until it is.
But the problem is, that in some cases it will never be like the vision, because what I have in mind is not always realistic. It’s usually something I saw or heard someone do or sing, which impresses me on such a level, that I start to strive for a way to give myself and others that feeling by something I would make or sing.
A lot of songs touch my soul because of the way I relate to them. I can better deal with emotional events in my life by knowing I am not the only one with those kind of feelings and some songs even tell me how to act to get through. I guess that’s what I call relating to music as a listener.
This standard I hold as a listener, however, has kept me from developing at maximum speed as a musician. Since I made my own music, it had to be on the same level of all those great inspiring songs to satisfy me. And I set the sights so high that I was almost never satisfied, and I didn’t share my creations. I kept most of my music to myself, at first unaware that something was missing.
But after some time confusion was creeping in my system. How could I go on with what I love to do when there was nothing to share, no audible result? My passion used to make me so happy that I was able to live without eating or sleeping, where did I go wrong?
Luckily my body stopped me before I went too far. I got Pfeiffer’s disease last year and had to take a few steps back. This was my wake up call; I had to go in a different direction. Because drinking whisky and staying up all week is not worth it when you actually do it to be a part of a certain crowd. It’s not healthy when you do it for fun either, but that’s another story.
The things I thought I would have to do to become a cool musician were making me sick. Literally. I had to learn there is no lifestyle that suits every musician.
Furthermore I have accepted that my own standard as a musician is just right, even as it is not the same as my standard as a listener. Even though it is exciting and a little bit scary every time I share my feelings through my music, it is the best I can do. It is an invitation for whoever listens to it, and you may enjoy or hate it. I like it anyway!
I believe I’m not the only one who’s insecure about how people see me and what they think of what I’m doing. I’m just not as insecure as I used to be anymore. Because I chose to set a goal for myself that’s realistic and that’s emphasizing me in every way that I am.
I accept the fact that I will always have my insecurities; I just choose to let them be less important. I have decided that I can trust on my ambition and my talent.